Day 15.

I grabbed both books, headed to the front.

“Find what you’re looking for?” Rosie asked as I handed her the two books.

“Um... yeah. Hey, who checked this one out last?” I asked as she handed me back the lore book.

“Don’t know. Some lady returned it, I didn’t know her. Here, let me check the name. Why you interested?”

“Just curious...”

“Well something’s up, but I won’t press you.” She navigated through a few windows on the computer, typed, clicked, typed some more. “Hmm... doesn’t look like anybody did. Bet you anything they just took the book right out of the place. I keep telling mom we need to get those sensor thingies at the door, but she thinks its unnecessary.”

I stuffed the books in my shoulder bag, thanked Rosie for her help, and left.

To say my head was spinning would have been an understatement. There was nothing in my mind that could rationalize why some girl killed in a church over sixty years ago would happen to look exactly like this strange girl in the same church. The book said she was fourteen. Thi could have been that. She seemed older somehow; not in voice or personality, not even in body really, but there was something more mature about her.

The church had been creepy enough growing up, so forsaken as it was. But to know what had happened there... I couldn’t even imagine it, some man raping a young girl like that in a church? And what had she been doing there? The book said no one really knew.

I felt like going to the college to see if I could find this Dr. Jhonas. I remembered Dad talking about her sometimes. But it was a Saturday, and I seemed to remember that she wasn’t at the school much anyhow.

I knew then that I needed to go back. I had to talk to Thi. After all that had happened since I’d first ventured there this summer, I didn’t really want to, but I knew I had to. Konstantine, whoever he was, would want me to stay away. I didn’t doubt that to some extent he wanted me to do so for my own safety. But again my cowardice and curiosity had come to arms. Even as I pedaled home, they were going to fisticuffs. You’d think cowardice wouldn’t fight too well, but actually he’s a fair opponent.

I was wondering whose side to root for when I heard a honk and nearly fell off my bike. I swerved horribly, caught myself, and looked to my left where a car was pulling beside me and driving very slowly. It was Emilie. She had her window rolled down.

“Benny, you want a ride?”

“Nah, I’m fine!” I shouted back.

“Sure you do. Come on, put your bike in the back.”

“Home’s not that far away.”

“I wanna talk to you! Don’t make me pull in front of you. We all know you’re horrible on the bike and you’d fall and kill yourself.”

I sighed, but applied the brakes. She was right. I was not the greatest riding a bicycle. A little embarassing to admit, but I
I’ve never mastered it. Always a little shaky on steering.

After manhandling my bicycle into the back of her station wagon, I got into the car and Emilie started driving.

“Where were you coming from?” She asked with a glance over at me.

“Library.”

“Hey, what’s been up with you the past few days?” Emilie said, as if her earlier question was just a preliminary greeting that she had been anxious to get out of the way.

Just like it had been with Lea this morning, my instinct was to say, “Nothing,” and try to let it go. But I suddenly wanted to talk about it. I wanted to have someone I could trust to share in all of this. I wanted to know if someone else could see what I was seeing, to know if I was crazy or not. I stared at the dash, wondering if she would believe me. Yeah, she would. She’d either believe or give me the chance to prove it.

I wanted to tell her.

But I couldn’t.

“We’re all worried about you. I mean, you’ve been weird this whole summer, but in a way that, you know, that we can understand, even expect. But ever since you got home with that shiner, you’ve been really weird.”

“Shiner? Do people still say that any more?” I laughed. It was sort of a half laugh.

“Don’t change the subject.”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Em.”

Suddenly she slammed on the brakes. I jerked forward, was caught by the seatbelt, threw back. We hadn’t been going very fast, but even so it was a shock to my system.

“What are you–” I began, throwing a wildly confused look at her. She was looking back at me, steady and persistent.

“We used to talk about everything. Even when you were away at school.”

“You can’t just stop in the middle of the road.” It’s not like anyone was around. This was a remote little country road, not much traffic.

Emilie punched on her emergency lights in response to my objection and continued to stare at me.

I don’t know how long I fought about what to say. I could bring her into this, we could handle it together. But I didn’t want to bring her into this. It was just... just too dangerous. I didn’t want her involved. I could handle it myself. No one had to know about it.

Now I couldn’t figure out if I had some stupid man-syndrome, or if I really just wanted to protect her. I hoped it was the latter. It seemed much more honourable.

“I want to be in your life, Ben,” she said, very quietly. She was blinking more often. I thought I saw her eyes glisten a little more in the sunlight.

It came out without my intending it to. I don’t know what in me decided to choose this response, but its what came.

“I can handle it.”

There are three things in my life that I regret most. I mean, I’ve made tons of mistakes, don’t get me wrong. But these three have somehow made it to the top of my list. The first was when i was in second grade. There was this kid, Waylon, who was always a little bit weird. I don’t know why, now that I look back. He was just different. One recess, a few of my friends decided they were going to throw rocks at him. Just the gravel on the ground. I don’t think any of us knew how serious that was. They just thought it would be funny. When they told me about the plan, I said I wasn’t going to, and I walked away. It wasn’t out of any sense of right or wrong. I just knew that I could get in trouble if we got caught.

But what I always regretted was just walking away. I think about it and get so mad at myself sometimes. I wish with every bone in my body that instead of just walking away, that I had joined Waylon and played with him.

Nothing ever really came of my friends’ plan. I think they picked a few pebbles and made a few feeble tosses, but my denial to join in kind of stole their thunder.

But I wish to God I’d played with Waylon.

So that was number one.

Number two was this moment, right now. When I looked at Emilie, square in the face, and I shoved off her concern, that bond we’d shared since we were kids. She offered her help and I told her I didn’t need her.

Maybe if I had talked to her, maybe if I would have included her, things would have turned out differently.

I made my choice. And that choice got into my top three regrets of my twenty-two years of life.

Number three, you ask? Well... that’s none of you business.

After my “I can handle it,” Emilie pushed the emergency signal button to turn it off, put the car back in drive and continued down our road. She didn’t say another word the rest of the ride there. She didn’t act like she was giving me the cold shoulder or anything, it was just clear that we had nothing more to say unless I was going to change my mind.

We pulled into the driveway in continued silence. Emilie parked in silence. She went inside while I struggled with my bike, trying to wriggle it free from the back of Emilie’s station wagon. I finally succeeded, though it nearly toppled me backwards with its sudden willingness to let go.

I went inside to find the family watching a movie. I didn’t much care to join, so I ran up to my room before they really noticed me.

Before I had gone to the library, I had helped clean up the glass from my room and tape some cardboard in the empty window until we could get a new one in. I was glad it was warmer today, though I feared that tonight might be a little drafty.

I thought I would have wanted to be here, to escape to somewhere familiar and comforting, but after last night, this was not exactly a comforting place to be. I searched around for my notebook, couldn’t find it, cursed about that, then grabbed a new one and headed back downstairs. Maybe I would journal or something, just to get all this out without really telling anyone.

That’s what I was telling myself as I headed back outside, at least. I’ll just find a spot to sit down and journal. But down further than surface intentions, I knew I wouldn’t be journaling. I knew I’d be going back to Thi.

I had to talk to her. Partly because of that picture in the book, which still sat snuggly in my shoulder bag. But there was something about her that made me want to be there. Want to take care of her. Like... like a little kitten, you know can’t really fend for itself, but has been doing an okay job of so far. So you set some milk out for it, give it a stroke now and then. I had thought it was Thi who had been obsessed over me, but I was finding, now that I was thinking about her, I couldn’t stop.

Let me clear this up right now. It wasn’t anything... romantic or anything. I was too creeped out by her and everything around her to be thinking about romance. Like I said, she was like a stray kitten who mews and mews outside your door, and when you finally let it in, you can’t get enough of the thing. Maybe that sounds a little girly, but I think most men would have to admit a certain effinity towards a helpless little kitten.

I didn’t know what to expect this time, as I walked down the road to the old church. I hoped Kon wasn’t there. I didn’t want to have to deal with him, not right now. I wanted to talk to Thi.

When I reached the clearing, there wasn’t that sense of fear that I had felt the last time I’d come to that point. Maybe it was the bright sun casting a warm glow on the golden grass and the stained glass windows. I walked straight to the door, and just as I was about to open the doors, the opened from the inside. Thi stood behind them. She looked hesitant.

“What are you doing here, Benjamin Faires?”

“Can I come in? I asked meekly. Thi smiled, oepened the door a little more, let me slide in, then closed it behind me.

“Kon is not here right now,” she said. Then she cocked her head to one side and said, “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to talk to you,” I replied, readjusting the strap of my bag, thinking of the book inside. The picture inside that book that resembled this girl so very much.

“Why?”

Should I start with the “what the hell are you” topic, or should I ease us into that? Take a wild guess which one I chose.

“Things have been weird, you know and... and... Its just nice to have someone to talk to.” I think I gave her what she wanted to hear. She had been so intent before to be my friend, that I think she was willing to accept that. She didn’t need to know that I had already shoved away someone else in my life who had wanted to talk to me. Someone more important to me than her.

Judging by the smile and the sparkle in those still chilly eyes, Thi had liked that answer. She took my hand and pulled me to the front of the church, and we sat down around where a pulpit would have been.

She glanced at the door, and her face fell a little.

“Konstantine wouldn’t be happy about you being here.”

“He doesn’t ever seem to be happy,” I replied, feeling a little like a kid as I pulled my knees up to my chest. Thi watched carefully, so much so that I felt self conscious and was about to sit up straight when she slowly began to do the same as I had done. She rested her chin between her knees, bit her lip. She seemed to do that a lot.

“He means well...”

“Who is he?”

“He’s my–” She stopped, blinking furiously as she stared at her toes, which were again bare.

“Your what?”

“Are you feeling okay after last night?”

I sat up straight. “What were you going to say?”

She looked a little pitiful as she again drew her eyes back down to her toes, holding her legs close and tight against her chest. “He just watches out for me.”

“He’s a jerk,” I sighed, tugging my shoulder back off and flopping it beside me. Thi’s posture became very attentive.

“What’s in your purse?”

“It’s not a purse...”

“Then what is it?”

“Just a bag.”

“A purse.”

“No, its a bag. Like a book bag. Purses are for women. Bags are unisex.”

She shrugged and reached for it. I let her. As she looked at it, testing the pockets on the front, she began, “You should not be so very hard on him. He’s not bad, just very... heavy minded?”

“Heavy minded?”

“He... he has a lot on his mind. You know, there’s a weight.” She began to paw inside, found the notebook I’d grabbed, pulled it out.

“This isn’t like the one before.” She opened it, saw it was blank, and frowned. “You don’t write in this one?”

“Its new. Nothing in it yet.”

“I see...” She kept flipping through the pages, as if she was still looking for something. “You like to write about what happens in your life?”

I rubbed my arm absentmindedly. “Yeah, I guess so. Sometimes. Usually not about what’s going on in my life. I used to when I was a kid, but not so much anymore.”

“I think it would be nice. It would be like talking to someone, when no one is around.” She stroked one of the pages, following one of the ruling lines with her middle finger.

“If you want... you can have that one. So you can, you know, write down your life or whatever.”

Her face glowed. “Do you mean it? I can have this?”

I shrugged. “Yeah.”

Before I really knew what was happing Thi had practically tackled me, wrapping her arms tightly around my body. Not expecting it, I fell backwards, her arms still tight around my waist. I was on my back, she was on my chest, and I was trying to keep my face out of sight because I knew I was flushing something horrible. She didn’t seem to notice anything was amiss, because she didn’t move.

“Thank you very much, Benjamin!” She said. She pecked my cheek.

“Yeah, just get off, okay?”

She did, but seated herself right next to me as I leaned back up. Thankfully, she was too entranced with the notebook to notice my red face.

And then we just sat there. She didn’t say anything more, just held that notebook like I used to hold my old stuffed penguin. I would glance down at her every now and then, but she was just staring into nothing. As the minutes passed I noticed she began to lean more and more against me. Her eyes would flutter like someone who was desperately tired but didn’t want to fall asleep and miss anything.

Finally, she slipped down into my lap. She didn’t move, though I flinched horribly, my arms raising up. She was dead asleep, and I couldn’t help but kind of laugh at her. I finally relaxed, layed a hand on her shoulder.

This was what Lea’s puberty had stolen from me. A little sister I could protect, or at least feel like it. Someone who could lean on me, feel safe enough to sleep with me watching out for her.

I didn’t move for the longest time, wondering how she could have fallen asleep so fast. I had come here that day to confront her, to ask her about the things that were happening. Who she was.

But now, I knew I couldn’t do any of that. I didn’t want to make her answer, to think about things that seemed far too much outside of her reality. She needed to be young and innocent. Naive.

I don’t know how much time had passed, or whether I, too, had fallen asleep, but I decided I probably should leave.